The Return?

Motherhood has me walking on clouds.  No, seriously.  This is the greatest thing I've ever done.  Everything you ever wanted out of life comes with a kid.  I get to smile, cry, cuddle, talk, listen, run, rest, explore... every single day.  It's also the hardest thing I've ever done.  This boy needs me all. the. time.  But then I love that.  He needs his mama.  And I'm there for him.  I swoop in and he snuggles into my neck or goes for my breast (usually the case) and all is right with the world.

I think about writing here all the time.  I want to put my thoughts down in this space.  I just want to put my thoughts out there.  For me.  For him.  For moms.  For the world.  I want to collect my thoughts, and the crazy swirling daily emotions, because I need it.  I need to slow down.  I need to remember.  Or maybe it's not about one day reading this and remembering anything.  It's more about the present.  What do these days mean?  What do I think of this boy?  What the hell am I doing with this life we've created?

My days are full of thinking in opposites.  I feel like being a mom, being a family, is the easiest thing I (we) have ever done.  We melded into each other and our roles flowed from the first days together.  J and I have created the coolest little boy and therefore we are one hip family (ha!).  But really, the physical pain of birthing that boy out of me backwards (and the many, many weeks of healing) was so much greater than the struggles we have now.  Then something will happen and I am reminded, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.  And that labor and childbirth shit, that was nothin.  Cause being a family is hard.  Being on the same page is hard.

Our struggles and pain are different than I could have ever expected.  I question myself every day.  All the time really.  I feel so confident in my thought processes, decisions, and choices.  Then something little (a look from someone, a cry from RB, a tired mama) and all hell breaks loose.  My head runs quickly, wondering if I'm right, if someone else is more right.  And that's when I notice that the easiest of times, the best of times, are the Koch Gregory times.  Just the three of us.  No time tables.  No expectations (except to have fun).  And we are just who we are.  We wear less clothes.  Cuss a lot more.  Laugh a lot more.  Take endless photos.  And we are us.  But we don't want it to just be the three of us.  We love our family and friends and want to spend our days with a lot of people.

And that's when I realize that we will always struggle with these choices.  It is just preparation for more of what's to come.  We are going to have to choose the hard road a lot.  Because it's totally worth it.

These rambles are hopefully just the beginning of me coming back to this place and putting it all down.  Because it feels good.  And I deserve a space to do that.

Enjoying Rocco Boone's first trip to Lake Michigan.

Seriously, this boy is so much fun.

My sweet boy.

The best decision we've ever made.

Things we Love - health and wellness

This is my list of must-haves for Rocco Boone.  I'm sure if we have another baby this list will change.  But these items were all mama recommended or gifts so I know that they work for many people out there.  And they made life so much easier for us.


Colic calm
RB suffered from belly aches and gas (not reflux) for the first couple months.  It was sad.  We tried all different things but Colic calm worked the best.  Its black color stained our cloth diapers and some clothes but everything came clean after a couple of washes.  Seriously best product ever.

Probiotics
I also attribute his belly getting better to probiotics.  I was taking some but noticed a change when we started giving him his own.  I also think his belly just needed time to develop and mature.  We now use probiotics moreso for immune issues and really don't need the colic calm anymore.

Nosefrida
Seriously.  Who doesn't want to suck snot out of their baby's nose with a straw?!  This is best used in combination with saline spray.  Wet their noses and then suck it out.  It's as rewarding as popping blackheads.

Angel baby shampoo and body wash
This was a gift from my friend Kate and she was right.  This makes your baby smell so yummy.

Earth Mama bottom balm
This comes from the same people that make the baby shampoo but it's for post-partum mamas.  The menthol is so cooling and feels even more awesome than witch hazel.  I kept it in my purse for when we were out and about.

Angelcare bath seat
RB & I took baths together for about the first month.  I just held his little, limp body the whole time.  Once he got a little bigger I decided we needed something to lay him in.  We still use this bath seat, it's just so cozy for him.  It also helps me when we're home alone and take a bath, I place him in the seat on the floor all wrapped up in his towel while I finish cleaning up.  

Sprout pouch
This was also a gift from my friend Kate and I don't know what I would have done without this sling for the first couple of months.  RB and I both loved this thing.  We don't use it anymore but it was essential for the infant stages.  There are also a ton of other slings on the market that work just the same as this one.

K'tan
Best carrier ever.  I'm so happy we found the k'tan.  I really wanted something we could both wear that was easy to put on and I could just throw in the diaper bag.  It secures babies just like the moby but there's no wrapping long pieces of fabric.  RB and I still use it a lot.





















GDiapers
I had no idea where to start with cloth diapering but G diapers made the process so much easier.  When we're out and about, I usually throw a disposable insert in and just toss them.  But when we're home we use a cloth insert.

Charlie Banana Disposable Inserts
The G diaper disposable inserts seemed a bit rough whereas these ones are lined in bamboo and super soft.  Totally worth it to me.  We buy all of our Charlie Banana stuff at Target.

Charlie Banana Reusable Diapers
These diapers are our favorite of the traditional cloth diapers.  They seem a lot more comfy and form well to the body than our Bum Geniuses.  We usually use these as nighttime diapers and the G diapers during the day.  If you've ever thought of cloth diapering, just try it.  It is so much easier than I ever expected, and this is coming from someone who rarely does her own laundry.

Charlie Banana bamboo liners
With any cloth diaper it can be nice to add these liners that wick the moisture away from baby's skin.  They are super soft and can help, especially at nighttime.

The woombie swaddler
Jason did a lot of reading on the 5 S's before we had the baby.  It was so nice that J was prepared with soothing techniques once he was here.  We tried different swaddle types and when he was an infant, the tighter the better.  But as he got a little older, it was nice to be able to just zip into this one and let him still move his arms around a bit.  We also got the breathable fabric since this kid is always so hot.

moooo

Of course I think my child is incredibly smart.  Advanced, as Julie would say.  So I need to mark the day I believe he said his first word.  Yes, it's true.  My four, almost five, month old talked last week.  He's been doing so well with mimicking sounds he hears.  And last week, while playing in his exersaucer, he hit the button that says, "moo."  And right away, Rocco Boone copied, "MOOOO."  Because he's a genius.  Kinda like when he farted today and immediately made raspberries with his mouth.  Genius, I tell you.

The Birth - Part 2

Let's remember where we left off.  I was in a large birth room lying on a double bed next to a wall of windows that let the afternoon light in, leaving the room dim and naturally lit.  The room was quiet with compassionate reminders of how to release tension and let my body continue to do what feels right.  My husband, sister, mom, nurse, and midwife surrounded me, placing their hands on me, keeping me focused.   I was working hard and things were getting close.

..."that's not a head" Andrea said.  "I don't know what it is but it's not a head."

It turns out it was a knee.  And I had to use all of my willpower to not let that knee out of me.  I was rushed down the short birth center hall through a corridor.  Jason was right behind.  I didn't know what was happening but everyone surrounding me oozed stress.  All I could think was, I'm going to have this baby.  It doesn't matter how it happens.  Our baby is coming.  They stopped Jason and Lisa and made them wait.  I remember yelling, "I love you..."  Before we entered the room I asked what was happening.  Someone told me I was having an emergency C-section.  Everything changed so fast.  Contractions were still rolling over me and I had to moan and tighten my body to hold everything together.  C-section?  I went back to my mantra of "okay, okay" telling myself this baby is coming and it doesn't matter how he gets here.  

They wheeled me into a brightly lit OR and again I had to climb off of one damn bed onto another.  The gurney quickly filled up with people on all sides.  The anesthesiologist walked to the head of the table and told me he was going to knock me out because we didn't have time to numb me.  He was cold and stern.  People on both sides of me were yelling not to push.  Dee was doing her best to tell them my situation and seemed to be one of the few treating me like a human instead of a machine running out of control that needed to be stopped.  I remember her yelling, "She's my patient.  I can stand wherever I want!" and she took post to the left of my head.   I asked for Jason and that damn anesthesiologist said he couldn't come in but someone still went to get him.  I held onto those contractions with everything in me.  I knew this baby was there and ready to enter this world.  It felt like I was tightening up through my throat when someone yelled, "She's pushing!"  I felt like I was being scolded for the exact thing I was commended for on that peaceful birthing bed just minutes before.  I felt him as he came out of me.

Jason walked in the room just in time to see that our little one's foot in the air.  That's all it took for this emergency C-section to turn into a breech birth.  J later told me it looked  (and sounded) like one of those dramatic scenes in Grey's Anatomy that you thought were made for tv.  People were yelling, "Push," "Grab your legs," "Hold your breath," "Don't scream."  And that's what I remember the most, screaming.  It all just felt so odd.  My contractions would take a break and they would still be yelling at me to push.  Nothing in my body wanted to push at that moment and that's what I had to do.  I could see three men at the end of the table, 6 arms reaching at our baby.  The one in charge was Dr. Hakim, my savior.  He was the calmest one in the room.  He knew exactly what to do with each of our little man's parts as they presented themselves.  I pushed with all my might without any breaks, just kept pushing.  Everything else in the room was loud and angry and stressed and Dr. Hakim was quiet and focused as he worked.  It seemed they needed all three of these men to manipulate the baby as he came out.  I felt each of their hands working on my body to allow for the rest of our baby to be born.

And then it happened.  He was here and just as quickly whisked into the corner to be cleaned and probed.  It was a boy.  The boy I pictured through our entire pregnancy.  Our boy was here.  He looked calm and content, totally opposite from the mood of the room.  He was smart too because he waited to take his first breath and missed breathing in any meconium.  I rested as I looked up at him.  I was exhausted and in shock and beginning to realize that nothing was happening the way we planned.  My boy was supposed to be placed on my chest, skin to skin.  My boy was supposed to let the vernix absorb and be rubbed in by his parents.  He was going to have his cord stop pulsing before it was cut.  He was going to be in our arms for the beginning of his life, away from all the hospital bs.  He wasn't supposed to be lying in a clear box, left alone once the nurse was done with her checklist of things to do to him.  I laid on that table looking at him so far away and told myself again, "it's okay."  I knew we were going to have that time as a family of three to cuddle and bond, it just wouldn't be till later.  And J and I and our baby would be together without loud noises and bright lights, and we would recreate the vision I had in my head because we all needed it.  Our baby would be okay until then.

At that point I had to get a saddle block (what I thought was an epidural) and J had to step out so he went and told everyone in the waiting room, "We have a Rocco Boone!"  And this would be his story.  He surprised us all and entered the world feet first.  And I love him for that.  He prepared me for the unexpected.  I'm sure with this little guy, it's just the beginning.

Finally getting to feel my son.

Love at first sight.

Men in the waiting room.

Ladies in the waiting room see a picture of our little man.

Read Part III

The Birth - Part I

This birth story is how I remember the day Rocco Boone came into our lives.  Parts of it are hazy so I've pieced together my memories and what I've been told by the people who lovingly surrounded me that day.  In telling his story, I've found myself using the word amazing right alongside with traumatic.  But the way I see it is, it was the most unexpected and perfect birthday I could have ever imagined for our son.  
I ended my last post with...

     I wanna be in it again.  I want to be there with him, my man.  I want to feel the pain.  I   don't want to be numbed from this process.  I might cry, scream, plead.  Because every part of me will be in it.  No part of my life will be be able to distract us from what is happening.  And pulling this baby from inside of me will take a lot of work, more than I've ever put into any part of my life.  And J will have to work harder than he ever has to help me through this process, keep me going,  and stay strong in my moments of weakness. 

Wow.  I couldn't have been more right.  Less than two days later I was in the midst of full blown labor.  Jason was asked to work Friday night instead of Saturday morning so I took the alone time to attempt to get labor started.  I went shopping at Kohls and walked quickly between the shoes, clothes, and home decor.  I finished as they closed at eleven and decided I should keep moving so I went to Meijer.  I had no idea where else I should go at 11:30 at night.  The goal was to get yummy chocolates and nuts for our favor jars I was putting together for hospital visitors.  When I got home I was tired but decided to pump to see if that would help turn these braxton hicks into real contractions.  Feeling worn out, we went to bed but something was different this night.  On one of my many trips to the bathroom, I noticed a small amount of blood.  I knew some women see bloody show and labor starts within a few days so I assumed that's where I was.  I had never seen my mucus plug before so I questioned if that would be the next step of this journey.  Back to sleep I went around six am and awoke for the day at eleven.  I felt those same braxton hicks I've felt for months now but they were coming every ten minutes.  I remember describing them as more painful and like they were shooting through a tunnel straight out of me.

Jason and I started this Saturday as we do most weekends.  He made coffee, I made a big breakfast of bagels, eggs, and bacon.  As we began this lazy Saturday I noticed a shortness in my patience.  I felt a bit annoyed with this man I am usually so adoring.  Without talking much, we both got busy working on the house and finishing packing our hospital bags.  We had procrastinated on completing the laundry we needed and finishing any of the bags we would take.  I folded baby blankets and debated teeny hats.  Two of everything was packed because I had no idea how big this little guy would be.   Jason cleaned the house - dishes, vacuuming, and some packing.  He seemed really focused and we continued to speak very little to each other.  

By 12:30 I had sent texts out to a few girlfriends and my sister.

But here's the problem.  Jason and I were fully prepared for a long early labor.  It's my first baby so I thought we would feel slight contractions here and there, knowing what was coming but without much pressure.  So even though the contractions were getting closer together and more painful, I really thought it was early labor and that I would be dealing with it for at least the next twelve hours.  As they got more intense I started to not be able to continue what I was working on.  I would keel over the bathroom counter or the couch as Jason continued to clean the house and finish packing.  The pain took over me and I would repeat to myself, "okay, okay" through heavy breathing.  The okays were as if to say, okay, I can do this.  

By 2:00 I knew we would need to head to the birth center soon.  I wasn't handling the contractions well and started to feel defeated.  I remember saying (or yelling) to Jason, "Do something" during a contraction.  I really felt like I couldn't get through them on my own.  Again, I thought these were supposed to be the early labor contractions people talk through and all I could do was focus on each one as it rolled over my body.  

I started to experience what I thought of as double contractions where one would come right after another.  But now I'm not sure if that was just my contractions getting really close together.  Jason got the car started and the hypnobirthing album playing and we were ready.  The last thing I remember before leaving the house was hugging the navy blue chair in our Florida room through that last contraction and telling myself, I need an epidural.  I'm not going to be able to make it through this.  

The car ride there began to focus me.  I followed along with our hypnobirthing guide and surprisingly breathed through the contractions.  I went deep inside myself, keeping my eyes closed and following the visualization process.  But I knew the amount of work I was putting into it and felt embarrassed.  I didn't want people to see me like this.  I told Jason to tell my sister I might not want her to see me because it was really bad.  We pulled up to the valet parking at the hospital and they brought me a wheelchair.  A frickin' wheelchair.  And I needed it.  There was no way I could get myself to the birth center on the third floor.  I didn't want to be seen as weak with my husband wheeling me to the birth center that doesn't even have epidurals.  I hugged our pillows through each contraction, partly to hide my face, as J wheeled us to the elevator.

When we got to the doors of the birth center I stood up right away.  I was set on walking in there on my own.  I was not going to let the midwife and nurse see the first time mom being wheeled down the hall after leaving all our bags at the front door of the hospital as if it was some emergency or something.  I walked myself that very short distance to the nurse and midwife who were standing in the hall.  Another contraction hit before we could get into our room and I grabbed the closest door and pressed my face into it.  The midwife immediately pressed her hands into my lower back as I breathed through a bad one.  I looked up and smiled to tell J - we got the good nurse.  I had seen Dee in pictures and heard the praises of many other new moms.  I felt relieved that she was there.

We walked into our room and I immediately laid down.  My sister joined us and her and J stripped me down so I could get checked.  I had no concept in my head of where I thought I was, I hadn't even questioned it.  The midwife, Andrea, looked up and said, "you're at an 8."  I was shocked.  I had already done a huge chunk of the hard work.  I looked over at the jacuzzi I had spent months dreaming of using during labor and knew I wouldn't even be able to get in.  Things were probably going to move quickly from here.  Jason set up my hypnobirthing album again and I continued to have contractions that seemed to come one after the other.  I laid on my left side on that double bed with Jason behind me.  Lisa kneeled next to me and I squeezed her hand, her neck, whatever I could grab.  She reminded me to relax my face where I seemed to be holding a lot of tension.  My mom was now there and she joined us, pushing on my belly.  I felt that I needed each of them there, each one doing their job.  When they asked J to answer some questions in the hall I immediately felt like I needed him back at his post.  

Andrea and Dee reminded me to let my body do what felt right.  That was so strange to me.  They never told me not to push, just to listen to what my body felt was right.  My bag of water was still intact so as I pushed the bag began to bulge.  With one push it popped and geysered above us all to splash everyone in the room.  I had no idea this was even possible.  My mom had to wipe off Andrea's glasses so she could see.  In that moment I thought, this will be the memorable part of his story.  This is the part I will tell everyone that makes it unique.  And of course I was wrong.  

I continued to let my body push for not much longer when Andrea looked up with serious eyes and told us, "that's not a head."  Everything was a whirlwind from there.  Dee ran into the hall and I heard her yell into a phone to get ready.  Andrea told me to stop pushing.  I was still a bit confused what all of this meant.  What seemed like seconds later there was a gurney in our room and someone told me to get on it.  I had been lying in the same position since I got there, contractions were still coming one after the other.  How was I supposed to get my huge self up on that thing?  My sister told me you're going to do this, and I did.  Funny how that seemed like it was such an impossible task when I had already done so much.  

Read Part II

he's here

Rocco Boone Koch Gregory was born February 9, 2013
7 pounds, 8 ounces

am I ready for this?

After the midwife got us into gear, everything has gotten a bit more real.  Or maybe a bit more surreal.  I can feel all of this baby's parts.  I rub his butt and his back.  I rest my hand waiting for his knees and feet to bump me.  His hands flutter up by his face, low in my pelvis.  I feel the length of his body.  This is a Real baby.  Like full sized.  I know that if he were to arrive today, Appleseed would be healthy.

But in the midst of all of this wonderfulness, I spend my days teaching English, working on my grad program, preparing our house for baby life, stocking our freezer full of simple staples and meals, reading baby books, facebook, blogs, all while attempting to get enough sleep to survive.  And honestly, instead of doing any of those tasks really well, I'm just kind of allowing myself to float from one activity to the next.  I don't feel successful in any of these areas of my life.  Instead I feel like I'm just getting by.  And sadly I'm letting this unsuccessful life pattern keep me from fully connecting with what is going on inside of me.  

I'm about to have my world rocked.  Like for reals.  Everyone knows that.  I recognize it but I just don't see how I could be ready for it.

Before our wedding I made a deal with myself, a really important one. I told myself that I would be in it the day of our wedding.  In it.  I wasn't going to let anything take me out of that moment.  I remember my fear being that all the hoopla surrounding the big day would take our focus away from what the day was really about.  Everyone warns you that the day flies by.  Well I was determined to not let it fly away from us.  I was excited to share the day with so many people but really, it was about us.  J & I.  Plain and simple.  We talked about it and promised to do this together.  Days before I got a bad sinus infection and was feeling cloudy and hurting the morning of the big day.  But from the moment we woke up (together) to that walk we took before breakfast (together) to the pictures taken before the ceremony (together) to reading our vows in front of 175 people (together) and to the obnoxious fun we had on the dance floor - we did it all Together.  Nothing took me away from him that night.  We held true to our promise with ease.  Not even that nasty sinus infection pulled me down.

Stealing time to be just the two of us before the big moment.

Ecstatically hearing every word we had for each other.

You are the best thing, that's ever happened to me. - Ray LaMontagne

Rockin' that first dance

Sweaty and lovin' it

And this is what I want for the day we bring our little one into this crazy world.  I wanna be in it again. I want to be there with him, my man.  I want to feel the pain.  I don't want to be numbed from this process.  I might cry, scream, plead.  Because every part of me will be in it.  No part of my life will be be able to distract us from what is happening.  As I move from bed to bath to shower, I will recognize this is all part of the process.  This shit takes work.  Being in it takes work.  And pulling this baby from inside of me will take a lot of work, more than I've ever put into any part of my life.  And J will have to work harder than he ever has to help me through this process, keep me going, and stay strong in my moments of weakness.  But most of all, he'll have to stay in it with me, knowing what we are bringing into this world.

There are so few moments in our life where we can bring ourselves to that type of focus.  And that's why I ask if I am ready for this.  But just like our wedding day, we will do what's right for us.  We will spend these moments together, relying on each other, knowing our intentions are strong and real and true.  Knowing that we're creating something so immense that all we can do at this moment is to embrace it.  We will get through this together.  Just like we have so many times before.