where you come from

Dear Appleseed,

Your papa and I took a trip down south.  We went to Tennessee for a friend's wedding and took a few daytrips to Boone.  It was my first time being to this magical place Papa has talked about since we started dating five years ago.  When we met (for the second time) and I was 24 and he was 34, he had just come back from school at Appalachian State.  He seemed sad to be back in Michigan.  Even though there were so many wonderful people here, he missed the mountains.

He learned so much in that town and in those mountains.  He really started becoming who he was meant to be.  Your papa became care-free, he built his confidence, and he found who he was musically.  I've learned this over the years.  At first I was jealous that he always talked about life in the mountains and going back to Boone.  He really missed being there and I felt like maybe life with me in Michigan wasn't enough for him.  But going to the mountains with him showed me where he came from. 

He misses the peace and the beauty completely enveloping him on a daily basis.  He misses the southern thoughtfulness and the way people treat each other.  He misses the place where beautiful music was created and respected.  And I think he misses the place where he became the man he is today.

So being down there with him brought out every most awesome side of him.  He was relaxed and funny and happy and confident. 

And he took me to all of the places he's missed, the places he knew I would love.  And I did.  I loved eating breakfast and drinking coffee in a place that's nothing like what we have in Michigan.  The kind of quaint little cafe that was obviously a southern thing.

He took me to his old apartments and talked about what it was like to live in places with impossible driveways, huge trees, and wonderful views.

And then he played his sweet stick for Carole's wedding on a perch overlooking lush, green mountains and he filled the air.  Everything about him was there that day.  And even though I loved being there for the wedding of our friends, I even more loved seeing him in his glory.

This quick trip only filled a long weekend.  But it was a weekend of reconnecting with who we are and with each other. 

You're so lucky to have a mama and papa that love each other so much.  You'll know this one day.

And you're lucky to have parents that get each other so well.  I hope you get a little piece of me and a great big piece of your papa.  And I hope you always know where we came from because that is where you come from too.

And if you are a boy your name will be an homage to this place where your father became the man he is.

Love, your mama

so long ago

It now seems like so long ago that Jason and I saw the positive on that pregnancy test.  We were both a little shocked.  I took a few of the regular tests that resulted in faint plus signs before I decided on the digital version to share with J.  And there it was:  "Pregnant."  Right there in English for us both to read.  That was supposed to make it more real for us.  But it didn't.  We bought more tests throughout the week to attempt to convince ourselves.  I got it, this new concept that we're going to have a baby.  But nothing felt different.  It just was what it was.

As the months passed I kept wondering when it was going to feel real.  At the first ultrasound?   The first kicks?  When my belly protrudes?  Or would it really take until this little Appleseed of ours was in our arms, looking eye to eye?

I now realize that there isn't a moment.  There's no epiphany - I'm pregnant!  It's a slow progression.  There are moments.  There are beautiful moments when J makes me laugh so hard and I know he'll make our baby laugh just as hard.  And that this baby will feel what I feel for his amazing man.  And it's no longer a dream.  I picture it because it's here and it will happen soon enough.  

Sometimes it is the kicks or looking at the ultrasound pics.  Or preparing our house for this little one's arrival.  But just as this little Appleseed grows bigger and stronger week by week, so does the realness of this whole process.  And so does our love for someone we've never even met.  For someone we already think is the coolest most lucky kid around.