he's here

Rocco Boone Koch Gregory was born February 9, 2013
7 pounds, 8 ounces

am I ready for this?

After the midwife got us into gear, everything has gotten a bit more real.  Or maybe a bit more surreal.  I can feel all of this baby's parts.  I rub his butt and his back.  I rest my hand waiting for his knees and feet to bump me.  His hands flutter up by his face, low in my pelvis.  I feel the length of his body.  This is a Real baby.  Like full sized.  I know that if he were to arrive today, Appleseed would be healthy.

But in the midst of all of this wonderfulness, I spend my days teaching English, working on my grad program, preparing our house for baby life, stocking our freezer full of simple staples and meals, reading baby books, facebook, blogs, all while attempting to get enough sleep to survive.  And honestly, instead of doing any of those tasks really well, I'm just kind of allowing myself to float from one activity to the next.  I don't feel successful in any of these areas of my life.  Instead I feel like I'm just getting by.  And sadly I'm letting this unsuccessful life pattern keep me from fully connecting with what is going on inside of me.  

I'm about to have my world rocked.  Like for reals.  Everyone knows that.  I recognize it but I just don't see how I could be ready for it.

Before our wedding I made a deal with myself, a really important one. I told myself that I would be in it the day of our wedding.  In it.  I wasn't going to let anything take me out of that moment.  I remember my fear being that all the hoopla surrounding the big day would take our focus away from what the day was really about.  Everyone warns you that the day flies by.  Well I was determined to not let it fly away from us.  I was excited to share the day with so many people but really, it was about us.  J & I.  Plain and simple.  We talked about it and promised to do this together.  Days before I got a bad sinus infection and was feeling cloudy and hurting the morning of the big day.  But from the moment we woke up (together) to that walk we took before breakfast (together) to the pictures taken before the ceremony (together) to reading our vows in front of 175 people (together) and to the obnoxious fun we had on the dance floor - we did it all Together.  Nothing took me away from him that night.  We held true to our promise with ease.  Not even that nasty sinus infection pulled me down.

Stealing time to be just the two of us before the big moment.

Ecstatically hearing every word we had for each other.

You are the best thing, that's ever happened to me. - Ray LaMontagne

Rockin' that first dance

Sweaty and lovin' it

And this is what I want for the day we bring our little one into this crazy world.  I wanna be in it again. I want to be there with him, my man.  I want to feel the pain.  I don't want to be numbed from this process.  I might cry, scream, plead.  Because every part of me will be in it.  No part of my life will be be able to distract us from what is happening.  As I move from bed to bath to shower, I will recognize this is all part of the process.  This shit takes work.  Being in it takes work.  And pulling this baby from inside of me will take a lot of work, more than I've ever put into any part of my life.  And J will have to work harder than he ever has to help me through this process, keep me going, and stay strong in my moments of weakness.  But most of all, he'll have to stay in it with me, knowing what we are bringing into this world.

There are so few moments in our life where we can bring ourselves to that type of focus.  And that's why I ask if I am ready for this.  But just like our wedding day, we will do what's right for us.  We will spend these moments together, relying on each other, knowing our intentions are strong and real and true.  Knowing that we're creating something so immense that all we can do at this moment is to embrace it.  We will get through this together.  Just like we have so many times before.