in the heights: The Return?

Motherhood has me walking on clouds. No, seriously. This is the greatest thing I've ever done. Everything you ever wanted out of life comes with a kid. I get to smile, cry, cuddle, talk, listen, run, rest, explore... every single day. It's also the hardest thing I've ever done. This boy needs me all. the. time. But then I love that. He needs his mama. And I'm there for him. I swoop in and he snuggles into my neck or goes for my breast (usually the case) and all is right with the world.

I think about writing here all the time. I want to put my thoughts down in this space. I just want to put my thoughts out there. For me. For him. For moms. For the world. I want to collect my thoughts, and the crazy swirling daily emotions, because I need it. I need to slow down. I need to remember. Or maybe it's not about one day reading this and remembering anything. It's more about the present. What do these days mean? What do I think of this boy? What the hell am I doing with this life we've created?

My days are full of thinking in opposites. I feel like being a mom, being a family, is the easiest thing I (we) have ever done. We melded into each other and our roles flowed from the first days together. J and I have created the coolest little boy and therefore we are one hip family (ha!). But really, the physical pain of birthing that boy out of me backwards (and the many, many weeks of healing) was so much greater than the struggles we have now. Then something will happen and I am reminded, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. And that labor and childbirth shit, that was nothin. Cause being a family is hard. Being on the same page is hard.

Our struggles and pain are different than I could have ever expected. I question myself every day. All the time really. I feel so confident in my thought processes, decisions, and choices. Then something little (a look from someone, a cry from RB, a tired mama) and all hell breaks loose. My head runs quickly, wondering if I'm right, if someone else is more right. And that's when I notice that the easiest of times, the best of times, are the Koch Gregory times. Just the three of us. No time tables. No expectations (except to have fun). And we are just who we are. We wear less clothes. Cuss a lot more. Laugh a lot more. Take endless photos. And we are us. But we don't want it to just be the three of us. We love our family and friends and want to spend our days with a lot of people.

And that's when I realize that we will always struggle with these choices. It is just preparation for more of what's to come. We are going to have to choose the hard road a lot. Because it's totally worth it.

These rambles are hopefully just the beginning of me coming back to this place and putting it all down. Because it feels good. And I deserve a space to do that.