This birth story is how I remember the day Rocco Boone came into our lives. Parts of it are hazy so I've pieced together my memories and what I've been told by the people who lovingly surrounded me that day. In telling his story, I've found myself using the word amazing right alongside with traumatic. But the way I see it is, it was the most unexpected and perfect birthday I could have ever imagined for our son.
I ended my last post with...
I wanna be in it again. I want to be there with him, my man. I want to feel the pain. I don't want to be numbed from this process. I might cry, scream, plead. Because every part of me will be in it. No part of my life will be be able to distract us from what is happening. And pulling this baby from inside of me will take a lot of work, more than I've ever put into any part of my life. And J will have to work harder than he ever has to help me through this process, keep me going, and stay strong in my moments of weakness.
Wow. I couldn't have been more right. Less than two days later I was in the midst of full blown labor. Jason was asked to work Friday night instead of Saturday morning so I took the alone time to attempt to get labor started. I went shopping at Kohls and walked quickly between the shoes, clothes, and home decor. I finished as they closed at eleven and decided I should keep moving so I went to Meijer. I had no idea where else I should go at 11:30 at night. The goal was to get yummy chocolates and nuts for our favor jars I was putting together for hospital visitors. When I got home I was tired but decided to pump to see if that would help turn these braxton hicks into real contractions. Feeling worn out, we went to bed but something was different this night. On one of my many trips to the bathroom, I noticed a small amount of blood. I knew some women see bloody show and labor starts within a few days so I assumed that's where I was. I had never seen my mucus plug before so I questioned if that would be the next step of this journey. Back to sleep I went around six am and awoke for the day at eleven. I felt those same braxton hicks I've felt for months now but they were coming every ten minutes. I remember describing them as more painful and like they were shooting through a tunnel straight out of me.
Jason and I started this Saturday as we do most weekends. He made coffee, I made a big breakfast of bagels, eggs, and bacon. As we began this lazy Saturday I noticed a shortness in my patience. I felt a bit annoyed with this man I am usually so adoring. Without talking much, we both got busy working on the house and finishing packing our hospital bags. We had procrastinated on completing the laundry we needed and finishing any of the bags we would take. I folded baby blankets and debated teeny hats. Two of everything was packed because I had no idea how big this little guy would be. Jason cleaned the house - dishes, vacuuming, and some packing. He seemed really focused and we continued to speak very little to each other.
By 12:30 I had sent texts out to a few girlfriends and my sister.
But here's the problem. Jason and I were fully prepared for a long early labor. It's my first baby so I thought we would feel slight contractions here and there, knowing what was coming but without much pressure. So even though the contractions were getting closer together and more painful, I really thought it was early labor and that I would be dealing with it for at least the next twelve hours. As they got more intense I started to not be able to continue what I was working on. I would keel over the bathroom counter or the couch as Jason continued to clean the house and finish packing. The pain took over me and I would repeat to myself, "okay, okay" through heavy breathing. The okays were as if to say, okay, I can do this.
I started to experience what I thought of as double contractions where one would come right after another. But now I'm not sure if that was just my contractions getting really close together. Jason got the car started and the hypnobirthing album playing and we were ready. The last thing I remember before leaving the house was hugging the navy blue chair in our Florida room through that last contraction and telling myself, I need an epidural. I'm not going to be able to make it through this.
The car ride there began to focus me. I followed along with our hypnobirthing guide and surprisingly breathed through the contractions. I went deep inside myself, keeping my eyes closed and following the visualization process. But I knew the amount of work I was putting into it and felt embarrassed. I didn't want people to see me like this. I told Jason to tell my sister I might not want her to see me because it was really bad. We pulled up to the valet parking at the hospital and they brought me a wheelchair. A frickin' wheelchair. And I needed it. There was no way I could get myself to the birth center on the third floor. I didn't want to be seen as weak with my husband wheeling me to the birth center that doesn't even have epidurals. I hugged our pillows through each contraction, partly to hide my face, as J wheeled us to the elevator.
When we got to the doors of the birth center I stood up right away. I was set on walking in there on my own. I was not going to let the midwife and nurse see the first time mom being wheeled down the hall after leaving all our bags at the front door of the hospital as if it was some emergency or something. I walked myself that very short distance to the nurse and midwife who were standing in the hall. Another contraction hit before we could get into our room and I grabbed the closest door and pressed my face into it. The midwife immediately pressed her hands into my lower back as I breathed through a bad one. I looked up and smiled to tell J - we got the good nurse. I had seen Dee in pictures and heard the praises of many other new moms. I felt relieved that she was there.
We walked into our room and I immediately laid down. My sister joined us and her and J stripped me down so I could get checked. I had no concept in my head of where I thought I was, I hadn't even questioned it. The midwife, Andrea, looked up and said, "you're at an 8." I was shocked. I had already done a huge chunk of the hard work. I looked over at the jacuzzi I had spent months dreaming of using during labor and knew I wouldn't even be able to get in. Things were probably going to move quickly from here. Jason set up my hypnobirthing album again and I continued to have contractions that seemed to come one after the other. I laid on my left side on that double bed with Jason behind me. Lisa kneeled next to me and I squeezed her hand, her neck, whatever I could grab. She reminded me to relax my face where I seemed to be holding a lot of tension. My mom was now there and she joined us, pushing on my belly. I felt that I needed each of them there, each one doing their job. When they asked J to answer some questions in the hall I immediately felt like I needed him back at his post.
Andrea and Dee reminded me to let my body do what felt right. That was so strange to me. They never told me not to push, just to listen to what my body felt was right. My bag of water was still intact so as I pushed the bag began to bulge. With one push it popped and geysered above us all to splash everyone in the room. I had no idea this was even possible. My mom had to wipe off Andrea's glasses so she could see. In that moment I thought, this will be the memorable part of his story. This is the part I will tell everyone that makes it unique. And of course I was wrong.
I continued to let my body push for not much longer when Andrea looked up with serious eyes and told us, "that's not a head." Everything was a whirlwind from there. Dee ran into the hall and I heard her yell into a phone to get ready. Andrea told me to stop pushing. I was still a bit confused what all of this meant. What seemed like seconds later there was a gurney in our room and someone told me to get on it. I had been lying in the same position since I got there, contractions were still coming one after the other. How was I supposed to get my huge self up on that thing? My sister told me you're going to do this, and I did. Funny how that seemed like it was such an impossible task when I had already done so much.
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