he's here

Rocco Boone Koch Gregory was born February 9, 2013
7 pounds, 8 ounces

am I ready for this?

After the midwife got us into gear, everything has gotten a bit more real.  Or maybe a bit more surreal.  I can feel all of this baby's parts.  I rub his butt and his back.  I rest my hand waiting for his knees and feet to bump me.  His hands flutter up by his face, low in my pelvis.  I feel the length of his body.  This is a Real baby.  Like full sized.  I know that if he were to arrive today, Appleseed would be healthy.

But in the midst of all of this wonderfulness, I spend my days teaching English, working on my grad program, preparing our house for baby life, stocking our freezer full of simple staples and meals, reading baby books, facebook, blogs, all while attempting to get enough sleep to survive.  And honestly, instead of doing any of those tasks really well, I'm just kind of allowing myself to float from one activity to the next.  I don't feel successful in any of these areas of my life.  Instead I feel like I'm just getting by.  And sadly I'm letting this unsuccessful life pattern keep me from fully connecting with what is going on inside of me.  

I'm about to have my world rocked.  Like for reals.  Everyone knows that.  I recognize it but I just don't see how I could be ready for it.

Before our wedding I made a deal with myself, a really important one. I told myself that I would be in it the day of our wedding.  In it.  I wasn't going to let anything take me out of that moment.  I remember my fear being that all the hoopla surrounding the big day would take our focus away from what the day was really about.  Everyone warns you that the day flies by.  Well I was determined to not let it fly away from us.  I was excited to share the day with so many people but really, it was about us.  J & I.  Plain and simple.  We talked about it and promised to do this together.  Days before I got a bad sinus infection and was feeling cloudy and hurting the morning of the big day.  But from the moment we woke up (together) to that walk we took before breakfast (together) to the pictures taken before the ceremony (together) to reading our vows in front of 175 people (together) and to the obnoxious fun we had on the dance floor - we did it all Together.  Nothing took me away from him that night.  We held true to our promise with ease.  Not even that nasty sinus infection pulled me down.

Stealing time to be just the two of us before the big moment.

Ecstatically hearing every word we had for each other.

You are the best thing, that's ever happened to me. - Ray LaMontagne

Rockin' that first dance

Sweaty and lovin' it

And this is what I want for the day we bring our little one into this crazy world.  I wanna be in it again. I want to be there with him, my man.  I want to feel the pain.  I don't want to be numbed from this process.  I might cry, scream, plead.  Because every part of me will be in it.  No part of my life will be be able to distract us from what is happening.  As I move from bed to bath to shower, I will recognize this is all part of the process.  This shit takes work.  Being in it takes work.  And pulling this baby from inside of me will take a lot of work, more than I've ever put into any part of my life.  And J will have to work harder than he ever has to help me through this process, keep me going, and stay strong in my moments of weakness.  But most of all, he'll have to stay in it with me, knowing what we are bringing into this world.

There are so few moments in our life where we can bring ourselves to that type of focus.  And that's why I ask if I am ready for this.  But just like our wedding day, we will do what's right for us.  We will spend these moments together, relying on each other, knowing our intentions are strong and real and true.  Knowing that we're creating something so immense that all we can do at this moment is to embrace it.  We will get through this together.  Just like we have so many times before.

where you come from

Dear Appleseed,

Your papa and I took a trip down south.  We went to Tennessee for a friend's wedding and took a few daytrips to Boone.  It was my first time being to this magical place Papa has talked about since we started dating five years ago.  When we met (for the second time) and I was 24 and he was 34, he had just come back from school at Appalachian State.  He seemed sad to be back in Michigan.  Even though there were so many wonderful people here, he missed the mountains.

He learned so much in that town and in those mountains.  He really started becoming who he was meant to be.  Your papa became care-free, he built his confidence, and he found who he was musically.  I've learned this over the years.  At first I was jealous that he always talked about life in the mountains and going back to Boone.  He really missed being there and I felt like maybe life with me in Michigan wasn't enough for him.  But going to the mountains with him showed me where he came from. 

He misses the peace and the beauty completely enveloping him on a daily basis.  He misses the southern thoughtfulness and the way people treat each other.  He misses the place where beautiful music was created and respected.  And I think he misses the place where he became the man he is today.

So being down there with him brought out every most awesome side of him.  He was relaxed and funny and happy and confident. 

And he took me to all of the places he's missed, the places he knew I would love.  And I did.  I loved eating breakfast and drinking coffee in a place that's nothing like what we have in Michigan.  The kind of quaint little cafe that was obviously a southern thing.

He took me to his old apartments and talked about what it was like to live in places with impossible driveways, huge trees, and wonderful views.

And then he played his sweet stick for Carole's wedding on a perch overlooking lush, green mountains and he filled the air.  Everything about him was there that day.  And even though I loved being there for the wedding of our friends, I even more loved seeing him in his glory.

This quick trip only filled a long weekend.  But it was a weekend of reconnecting with who we are and with each other. 

You're so lucky to have a mama and papa that love each other so much.  You'll know this one day.

And you're lucky to have parents that get each other so well.  I hope you get a little piece of me and a great big piece of your papa.  And I hope you always know where we came from because that is where you come from too.

And if you are a boy your name will be an homage to this place where your father became the man he is.

Love, your mama

so long ago

It now seems like so long ago that Jason and I saw the positive on that pregnancy test.  We were both a little shocked.  I took a few of the regular tests that resulted in faint plus signs before I decided on the digital version to share with J.  And there it was:  "Pregnant."  Right there in English for us both to read.  That was supposed to make it more real for us.  But it didn't.  We bought more tests throughout the week to attempt to convince ourselves.  I got it, this new concept that we're going to have a baby.  But nothing felt different.  It just was what it was.

As the months passed I kept wondering when it was going to feel real.  At the first ultrasound?   The first kicks?  When my belly protrudes?  Or would it really take until this little Appleseed of ours was in our arms, looking eye to eye?

I now realize that there isn't a moment.  There's no epiphany - I'm pregnant!  It's a slow progression.  There are moments.  There are beautiful moments when J makes me laugh so hard and I know he'll make our baby laugh just as hard.  And that this baby will feel what I feel for his amazing man.  And it's no longer a dream.  I picture it because it's here and it will happen soon enough.  

Sometimes it is the kicks or looking at the ultrasound pics.  Or preparing our house for this little one's arrival.  But just as this little Appleseed grows bigger and stronger week by week, so does the realness of this whole process.  And so does our love for someone we've never even met.  For someone we already think is the coolest most lucky kid around.

24 weeks

22 weeks

the real thing

Thursday night I was getting ready for bed.  I laid down and did some stretches.  I like going 80s style and pushing my butt up in the air.  Here's a little reference.

When I was done, I laid there with my hand on my belly.  And it happened.  I jumped, I was so startled.  Appleseed kicked me.  Not once but three times.  

I texted Jason to get upstairs fast.  He walked into the bedroom with my pelvis straight up in the air, trying to recreate the same stretch.  I kept thinking that pushing my but up in the air was making Appleseed do somersaults.  J put his hand on my belly waiting.  But the kicking was done.  Maybe he'll feel it next time.