where you come from

Dear Appleseed,

Your papa and I took a trip down south.  We went to Tennessee for a friend's wedding and took a few daytrips to Boone.  It was my first time being to this magical place Papa has talked about since we started dating five years ago.  When we met (for the second time) and I was 24 and he was 34, he had just come back from school at Appalachian State.  He seemed sad to be back in Michigan.  Even though there were so many wonderful people here, he missed the mountains.

He learned so much in that town and in those mountains.  He really started becoming who he was meant to be.  Your papa became care-free, he built his confidence, and he found who he was musically.  I've learned this over the years.  At first I was jealous that he always talked about life in the mountains and going back to Boone.  He really missed being there and I felt like maybe life with me in Michigan wasn't enough for him.  But going to the mountains with him showed me where he came from. 

He misses the peace and the beauty completely enveloping him on a daily basis.  He misses the southern thoughtfulness and the way people treat each other.  He misses the place where beautiful music was created and respected.  And I think he misses the place where he became the man he is today.

So being down there with him brought out every most awesome side of him.  He was relaxed and funny and happy and confident. 

And he took me to all of the places he's missed, the places he knew I would love.  And I did.  I loved eating breakfast and drinking coffee in a place that's nothing like what we have in Michigan.  The kind of quaint little cafe that was obviously a southern thing.

He took me to his old apartments and talked about what it was like to live in places with impossible driveways, huge trees, and wonderful views.

And then he played his sweet stick for Carole's wedding on a perch overlooking lush, green mountains and he filled the air.  Everything about him was there that day.  And even though I loved being there for the wedding of our friends, I even more loved seeing him in his glory.

This quick trip only filled a long weekend.  But it was a weekend of reconnecting with who we are and with each other. 

You're so lucky to have a mama and papa that love each other so much.  You'll know this one day.

And you're lucky to have parents that get each other so well.  I hope you get a little piece of me and a great big piece of your papa.  And I hope you always know where we came from because that is where you come from too.

And if you are a boy your name will be an homage to this place where your father became the man he is.

Love, your mama

so long ago

It now seems like so long ago that Jason and I saw the positive on that pregnancy test.  We were both a little shocked.  I took a few of the regular tests that resulted in faint plus signs before I decided on the digital version to share with J.  And there it was:  "Pregnant."  Right there in English for us both to read.  That was supposed to make it more real for us.  But it didn't.  We bought more tests throughout the week to attempt to convince ourselves.  I got it, this new concept that we're going to have a baby.  But nothing felt different.  It just was what it was.

As the months passed I kept wondering when it was going to feel real.  At the first ultrasound?   The first kicks?  When my belly protrudes?  Or would it really take until this little Appleseed of ours was in our arms, looking eye to eye?

I now realize that there isn't a moment.  There's no epiphany - I'm pregnant!  It's a slow progression.  There are moments.  There are beautiful moments when J makes me laugh so hard and I know he'll make our baby laugh just as hard.  And that this baby will feel what I feel for his amazing man.  And it's no longer a dream.  I picture it because it's here and it will happen soon enough.  

Sometimes it is the kicks or looking at the ultrasound pics.  Or preparing our house for this little one's arrival.  But just as this little Appleseed grows bigger and stronger week by week, so does the realness of this whole process.  And so does our love for someone we've never even met.  For someone we already think is the coolest most lucky kid around.

24 weeks

22 weeks

the real thing

Thursday night I was getting ready for bed.  I laid down and did some stretches.  I like going 80s style and pushing my butt up in the air.  Here's a little reference.

When I was done, I laid there with my hand on my belly.  And it happened.  I jumped, I was so startled.  Appleseed kicked me.  Not once but three times.  

I texted Jason to get upstairs fast.  He walked into the bedroom with my pelvis straight up in the air, trying to recreate the same stretch.  I kept thinking that pushing my but up in the air was making Appleseed do somersaults.  J put his hand on my belly waiting.  But the kicking was done.  Maybe he'll feel it next time.

little kicks

I kept waiting, waiting to feel something.  I've felt lots of pressure since about 6 weeks that I liked to think was Appleseed pushing and stretching inside of me trying to make room.  But I didn't feel any actual movement.  Then last week when I would sit back in my classroom at the end of the the work day, I felt these swooshes.  

And on Monday we went and officially met our baby.  Right there on the screen - little Appleseed looking like a little human.  Little clenched fists up by the face, crossed legs, and the cutest button nose.  It was the sweetest moment I've felt up to this point.  Holding J's hand, we looked up at the screen and at our future.  This is our baby, the one we'll meet in five short months.  The one whose personality will come alive before our eyes week after week.

The ultrasound tech was able to point out exactly where the baby is resting inside of me with the head on my right and the legs push down on my left side.  Over the next couple of days I started to hone in on that little spot on my left.  And that's what it took for the little bubbles I've been feeling to all make sense.  Appleseed has been dancing above my left hip and I didn't even know it.  But now that I recognize it I get to feel it more often and it's pretty amazing.

18 weeks